Merry Christmas, Smith Jackson must have said. “It’s the last day of work until 2015. ‘Tis the season to send another email that nobody will read.” (Who does he think he is, Eric Townsend?)
We’re a generation that, with some exceptions, thrives in the realm of 140-character tweets, and falls a bit short when it comes to reading a class syllabus all the way through, much less an 885-word letter from Elon Campus Safety and Police sent during Winter Break. Other than maybe the kids at ELN, do they think we’re sitting around, reading this through and going “Hmmm, yes yes, gooood”?
The email says The Department of Campus Safety and Police is made up of both North Carolina sworn police officers and non-sworn security staff. I’m sorry, but if I see them coming after me, I’m doing a whole lot of swearing either way.
So, 17 security officers, 16 police officers, 5 dispatchers and 2 administrative assistants? Where’s the partridge in a pear tree? And question- are the “administrative assistants” the ones who make me feel bad when I come in to pay a parking ticket? Like, I’M COMING TO PAY YOU. YOU WIN. I ACCEPT DEFEAT.
And it’s great that women make up 29% of the police department, but let’s be honest, if you actually “represent[ed] the diversity of the community,” there’d be like one dude and seventeen ladies.
Honestly, it all sounds like a bunch of statistics trying to prove and maybe compensate for something. Hmmm? Like “We’ve made mistakes and aren’t great about publishing documents the public has the rights to, but at least we’ve had “juvenile minority sensitivity training!”
You know what? Props for attending the LGBT and Allies Summit. Seriously, good on ya. And ditto the bias-based profiling training, and the consortium thingie. BUT WHAT IS A CONSORTIUM. They should have used 885 words to explain THAT.
And finally, something we all understand…technology.
Apparently new cameras were installed in all Campus Police vehicles, and body cameras were added for both security and police. Huge props to the first person to take a selfie with an officer from one of those cameras.
There’s 430 cameras on campus? What would have been helpful is a detailed list of where these are, because now I’m wondering if Elon Police couldn’t run its own porn distribution ring with all that footage, or at the very least keep track of the number of walk-of-shames in onesies.
35 blue light emergency phones? How long are we thinking that response action takes?
LiveSafe, a smartphone app that lets students request help if they’re in danger…which is totally helpful except for the fact that your Evil Apple notifications probably pop up so often that you get distracted and forget to call for help.
“Operation ID” lets people register their valuables through their record system. But this is Elon, so the number of “valuables” is disgustingly high. It’s only a matter of time before chicks start registering their purses…Barbour jackets…and Hunter boots. Ya’ll those aren’t cheap.
So that’s that. A summation of everything important in that email that you didn’t read anyway, in about half the number of words as the email itself.