A note on the Smith Jackson email you received today, but didn’t read…

Merry Christmas, Smith Jackson must have said. “It’s the last day of work until 2015. ‘Tis the season to send another email that nobody will read.” (Who does he think he is, Eric Townsend?)

We’re a generation that, with some exceptions, thrives in the realm of 140-character tweets, and falls a bit short when it comes to reading a class syllabus all the way through, much less an 885-word letter from Elon Campus Safety and Police sent during Winter Break. Other than maybe the kids at ELN, do they think we’re sitting around, reading this through and going “Hmmm, yes yes, gooood”?

The email says The Department of Campus Safety and Police is made up of both North Carolina sworn police officers and non-sworn security staff. I’m sorry, but if I see them coming after me, I’m doing a whole lot of swearing either way.

So, 17 security officers, 16 police officers, 5 dispatchers and 2 administrative assistants? Where’s the partridge in a pear tree? And question- are the “administrative assistants” the ones who make me feel bad when I come in to pay a parking ticket? Like, I’M COMING TO PAY YOU. YOU WIN. I ACCEPT DEFEAT.

And it’s great that women make up 29% of the police department, but let’s be honest, if you actually “represent[ed] the diversity of the community,” there’d be like one dude and seventeen ladies.

Honestly, it all sounds like a bunch of statistics trying to prove and maybe compensate for something. Hmmm? Like “We’ve made mistakes and aren’t great about publishing documents the public has the rights to, but at least we’ve had “juvenile minority sensitivity training!”

You know what? Props for attending the LGBT and Allies Summit. Seriously, good on ya. And ditto the bias-based profiling training, and the consortium thingie. BUT WHAT IS A CONSORTIUM. They should have used 885 words to explain THAT.

And finally, something we all understand…technology.

Apparently new cameras were installed in all Campus Police vehicles, and body cameras were added for both security and police. Huge props to the first person to take a selfie with an officer from one of those cameras.

There’s 430 cameras on campus? What would have been helpful is a detailed list of where these are, because now I’m wondering if Elon Police couldn’t run its own porn distribution ring with all that footage, or at the very least keep track of the number of walk-of-shames in onesies.

35 blue light emergency phones? How long are we thinking that response action takes?

LiveSafe, a smartphone app that lets students request help if they’re in danger…which is totally helpful except for the fact that your Evil Apple notifications probably pop up so often that you get distracted and forget to call for help.

“Operation ID” lets people register their valuables through their record system. But this is Elon, so the number of “valuables” is disgustingly high. It’s only a matter of time before chicks start registering their purses…Barbour jackets…and Hunter boots. Ya’ll those aren’t cheap.

So that’s that. A summation of everything important in that email that you didn’t read anyway, in about half the number of words as the email itself.

xoxo,

@OnlyAtElon

A Thursday Night at Elon

Where do I go?

Taphouse- I don’t know what role Eddie has to do with this but more people can be found in the stands at an Elon football game in the fourth quarter than at Taphouse on a Thursday night. Speaking of the guy, I’m guessing his popcorn business never took off.

Sandy’s- Let’s be real. No one goes to Sandy’s. I’m not sure what did them in. Was it the fact they were cited three times for serving to underage drinkers or was it the fact they removed the stripper pole?

Fat Frogg- No.

West End- It wouldn’t be a Thursday night without West End… home of 2 for $3 jello shots and permanent markers that leave X’s on your hands for 4 days. Don’t even think about trying to wash that X off of your hand. They don’t have paper towels and their hand driers are about as effective as advertising on the “Want Ads” section E-Net. The music is typically pretty good but you can expect to hear a lot of dubstep songs that you’ve probably never heard of. There are pool tables in the back where you can talk to the locals who are at West End because “Brew Balls is too mainstream.”

Ok, West End it is. How do I get there?

Saferides- No I do not want to play cash cab. Just take me to my location. What? You don’t know where Phoenix Arms is? Forget it I’m walking.

Walk- I applaud freshmen women for managing to wear as little clothes as possible in 42 degree weather. You can tell who is a freshmen and who isn’t. The freshmen girl is wearing one of those short black skirts that would make a Nun say three rosaries. The senior washed up girl (aka SWUG) is the one at the bar wearing jeans talking to the bartender who has probably known her since she was a freshmen with a fake ID that said she was 23 and from Rhode Island. And now for the males- Listening to some freshmen men speak makes me want to cry. No there is no such thing as Mr. Recruitment. And no good sir. You are not “tryna rush” Sigma Kappa, I believe you are referring to Kappa Sigma. Speaking of which, I recommend you lose the jeans with the holes in them now. Yeesh what do they teach you in Elon 101?

UPDATE- Taphouse called the Fire Marshall on West End (They’ve done it before). Looks like you’re out of luck, time to eat. But where?

Acorn- Sorry, I have no interest in any White Chocolate Mochas at the moment. And Kathryn, I love her but my goodness I cannot wait 12 minutes for a tuna sandwich, toasted with sprouts and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

Fat Frogg- No.

Late Night McEwen- Barf. As a first year student I thought Late Night McEwen was the greatest thing ever. As a sophomore I found it tolerable (before they got rid of the cereal and hash browns). And now everytime I eat there, I just hate myself. The healthiest thing Late Night McEwen serves is the plastic fork they give you to eat the reheated tater tots. The hotdogs always manage to be undercooked in the middle and it never ceases to amaze me how no matter what time you go, they are always out of ketchup.

Off to bed

Til death do us part, twin XL sheets.

Greek Week Dance Preview

Greek Week Dance is right around corner! Dear Katy DeHoff, if you are reading this I want to host it k thanks.

Here’s an early peek at the competition.

Kappa Delta has been practicing hard since their devastating fifth place finish. Under the direction of Mikhail Baryshnikov, KD is looking at a Mary J Blige themed dance.

Sigma Sigma Sigma is looking to capitalize off of their first place finish last year which will be difficult because their dance was fucking flawless.

Zeta- Watch out Sigma, Zeta is on the prowl for a first place finish. Unlike other Greek organizations, Zeta never snuck into Alumni gym to practice. They have been hard at work training 3 times a time a day in hidden on-campus locations that no one ever is at such as third floor belk at 3 a.m. or any of the movies on the lawn.

Phi Mu- Don’t worry, we all still think you’re pretty.

Sigma Kappa- In “light” on their theme last year, rumor has it they will continue with their home decor theme. Their dance starts with J Lo’s “On The Floor” and continues with The Big Comfy Couch theme song. The dance ends with all the lights turning off (because we’ve never seen that before) with the dancers laying out on the floor.

AXO-All I’m going to say is that Michelle Liebel will be Katniss and Chris Welch will be Peeta.

Alpha Omicron Pi- An actual panda will be at the event… I REPEAT… They are flying a PANDA from the Atlanta Zoo to dance to the song “Turn Me On” by Kevin Lyttle.

Crazy D’s – Recovering after the loss of star dancer Monica Yantosh, Alpha Xi Delta looks to their new star.. Eleanor Sykes. Will Sykes carrying them to victory? The Pendulum is predicting YES!

Delta Delta Delta- Where do I begin? They will be paying a tribute to all the famous Delta’s out there… From the founder of Spanx to Katie Couric, it should be memorable, or at least get 700 views on YouTube.

As for the fraternities it, will probably be between Sig Ep and DU because they are the only fraternities who don’t use GWD as a way to publicly humiliate their pledges.

One last thing… Is that Lambda kid who was projectiled into the air OK? Is two years later too soon?

 

- OnlyAtElon

9 Types of Guys You’ll Meet at Elon

Freshman girls before you know it you’ll be putting on your black mini skirts strolling the streets of Alamance looking for a magical house called “Bellagio.” More than likely you’ll walk around aimlessly near the Acorn Inn and will settle with a $1.50 hot dog at the Kangaroo station. Have no fear… it gets easier from here. For example. There are 9 different types of guys you will encounter at Elon. Here they are:
1. The Fratstar- “Yo bro, check out my  chubbies.” Trying to avoid seeing a fratstar is like trying to take a sip of water out of a fire hydrant. You’ll spot him right away. He’s the guy in your global class wearing a bowtie with a Romney Ryan 2012 computer background. He’s the guy wearing Sperry’s and talking about some slam he nailed behind Fat Frog on trivia night. He’s the guy spitting dip into a bottle with a Vineyard Vines sticker on his laptop. It’ll be easy to spot him just look for the little whale on his shirt. His letters might give it away too.

2. The Athletes- Does the name Aaron Mellette mean anything to you? Well it fucking should because he is going to be in the NFL. They frequent Oak Hill and Varsity. If you are at a soccer party you’ll hear plenty of David Guetta or European techno music. If you are at a football party you are probably squeezed in a Partner’s Place apartment with 500 other people. In class they’ll be wearing whatever team they play for shirts and sweatpants with Nike flip flops and black socks.

3. The Club Sporter- The average club sporter is reliving his high school glory days. Whether he is on club baseball or club rugby he probably thinks it is the greatest thing ever. He might not be the most athletic but he rages just as hard. Take it easy on them. Not everyone can play frisbee drunk.

4. The Com Major- You know that douchebag running down the steps with a tripod? Welp this is him. His personality depends on what organization he works for. For example, if he works for Elon Tonight he is probably hilarious. If he works for Elon Local News he probably knows about that time you got cited for public urination. If he is a cinema major you probably will want to punch him in the face around Oscar’s time. These kids do have a social life believe it or not. You will most likely find them cramped into a small apartment playing kings or hooking up in the editing bays.

5. The Business Major- He’s that douchebag wearing a suit in 1889. Com majors should become friends with him because one day he’ll be making 5x what they are. What turns him on? Seeing Facebook stock drop and reading the Wall Street Journal with a cup of Java City.

6. The Theater Major- Ever find yourself wondering who in their right mind is singing “Defying Gravity” in the middle of Acorn? It’s this guy. Can you blame though? Isn’t it everyone’s dream to be the third understudy to the  lead in “The Book of Mormon?”

7. The Hipster- I can only think of 3 and Luke Lovett already graduated.

8. The guy with the girlfriend back home- We all know one. Poor guy. Maybe one day he’ll be free from the bonds. Could be the life of the party or the guy playing Runescape til 3 in the morning.

9. Eddie from Octagon (formerly known as Eddie from Acorn)- Just meet him. You won’t find anyone else quite like him.

~OnlyAtElon

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